Researching festive traditions across the world this week I came across possibly the funniest Wikipedia page there is – all about the Gävle goat.
Never mind Congleton’s swans claiming we should be Swantown, this goat should be world famous; why it’s not is a mystery.
The Gävle goat is a traditional Christmas display, erected each year in Slottstorget (Castle Square) in central Gävle, Sweden.
The creature is a giant version of a traditional Swedish yule goat figure made of straw, built each year by local community groups at the beginning of Advent.
The goat itself is just a giant straw thing that (some years you need to squint), looks goat-ish, but what makes it highly entertaining is the fact that every year people try to burn it down. This is the fate most of these goats face, despite this being illegal – the Svea Court of Appeal has stated that the offence should carry a three-month prison sentence – and the fact that people have gone into prison.
The tradition started in 1966; that first goat was destroyed by fire but whether it was arson or inspiration is not stated. The goat survived the heady years of 1967 and 68, but despite added chicken wire, was burned down in 1969. In 1970, only six hours after being finished, it was burned down by two drunken teenagers.
In 1971, the Southern Merchants, who had been building it thus far, tired of its creations being incinerated jacked it in, and The Natural Science Club from the School of Vasa took over and built a miniature goat, which was … smashed to pieces.
In 1972 the goat just collapsed – in 1975 it also collapsed under its own weight – and in 1973 it was stolen by a man who thought a giant straw goat would not be spotted in his backyard. It was. He got two years.
In 1976 it was hit by a car (a Volvo Amazon) and again kicked to pieces in 1978; the following year’s goat burned down, got rebuilt and was ITALICS then kicked to pieces.
Footwork gave way to matches in the early 80s, when it repeatedly burned down from unknown causes but the 12.5m (41ft) goat did make it into in the “Guinness Book of Records” for the first time.
The Southern Merchants got back in the game in 1986 – it burned down, obviously – so now both the Merchants and the School of Vasa build one.
In 1992 – the year a Goat Committee was formed – the Natural Science Club and Merchant goats were burned down on the same night; one was rebuilt and burned down again. The perpetrator of all the three attacks was caught and sent to jail.
A Norwegian was arrested for attempting to burn down the goat in 1995; in 1997 it was damaged by fireworks and in 1999 both goats burned down “within hours” of being built.
In 2005, vandals dressed as Santa and the gingerbread man shot a flaming arrow at the goat and burned it down; the Swedish version of “Crimewatch” covered this heinous offence.
In 2008, 10,000 people turned out for the inauguration of one of the goats.
Bravely, no back-up goat was built to replace the main goat should the worst happen, nor was the goat treated with flame repellent – Anna Östman, spokesperson of the Goat Committee said the repellent made it look like a brown terrier.
It was burned down.
In 2009, one person tried to set the Southern Merchants’ goat on fire, someone else tried to throw the Natural Science Club’s goat into the river, then set it on fire. The goat was eventually stolen using a truck.
By now you might be thinking “webcams” and so were the goat-makers – the Merchant goat was set on fire after its webcams were put out of service by a denial of service attack.
In 2010, after arsonists failed to burn the Natural Science Club’s goat, one of the guards protecting the Merchant goat was offered a hefty bribe to leave his post so that the goat could be stolen via helicopter. Both goats survived.
Even more dumb than the man who put the goat in his yard, 2015’s attackers included a 26-year-old man caught fleeing the scene with a singed face, smelling of petrol and clutching a lighter. He was arrested.
Under stiff questioning, he admitted setting fire to the goat, said he was drunk at the time and that in retrospect, it was an “extremely bad idea”.
In 2016 the goat was destroyed by petrol by another criminal genius, a man who dropped his hat and was caught after a DNA test matched it. It was replaced by the smaller Natural Science Club goat; this goat was hit by a car, then burned down.
In 2019, fire crews responded to a call that the “little goat” was burning, only to find a miniature yule goat somebody had brought and torched at the scene. This was the first year the goat survived more than two years in a row. In 2020, the goat was unveiled remotely, due to the pandemic, and also survived.
Last year, the goat avoided fire, kickings, Volvos, its own weight, Norwegians, fireworks and arrows … and was destroyed by jackdaws. The straw used to construct the goat contained higher than usual amounts of seed and proved irresistible to the birds.
The 2024 goat is still standing – it has 24-hour guards on site, a double fence, 24-hour public webcam stream and better quality straw to discourage the jackdaws. It was still there as this was written: see here. Goat luck!
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The goat is not even the weirdest tradition.
(Parp! Parp! Rude word warning!)
Catalans have the Tió de Nadal or Christmas log.
Beginning with the Feast of the Immaculate Conception (8th December), children give the Tió a little bit to “eat” (sweets and small gifts) every night and cover it with a blanket so that it will not be cold. Children must take good care of the log, keeping it warm and feeding it – all so it will defecate presents on Christmas Day or Eve, when it gets beaten with a stick.
The Tió is often popularly called the “shitting log”, or “poo log” by the more delicate. Songs are sung to the Tió de Nadal, originally an imperative (“Shit, log!”) as it was whacked by a stick. “The use of this expression as a name is not believed to be part of the ancient tradition and its use is discouraged,” notes Wikipedia sniffily.
In case you fancy your own log, the lyrics for the song as you beat it with a stick are: “Shit, Tió, / Hazelnuts and nougats, / Do not shit herrings, / For they are too salty, / Shit nougats / For they taste better. / Shit, Tió, / Almonds and nougats, / And if you don’t want to shit / I will hit you with a stick!”
